


Supervillain Team-Up: Lowering Your Standards

by d0d0bird



Series: Marvel: Tales to Tantalize! [13]
Category: Marvel, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl
Genre: AND THEY WERE CELLMATES, Beating, Bondage, Emasculation, Gen, Humiliation, Humor, Prison, Situational Humiliation, Strangulation, Suspension, Team Up, Tentacles, Villains, Wet Willies, ballbusting, oh my god they were cellmates, wedgie, wedgies, wet willy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:35:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21721564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/d0d0bird/pseuds/d0d0bird
Summary: Herman Schultz and Quentin Beck have both suffered humiliating defeats at the hands of superheroes.Olivia Octavius has recruited them for a quiet low-stakes heist in a tiny Wisconsin town, hoping that by avoiding superhero-trafficked cities they can actually pull this off.What could possibly go wrong?
Relationships: Herman Schultz & Quentin Beck
Series: Marvel: Tales to Tantalize! [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1507763
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	Supervillain Team-Up: Lowering Your Standards

Quentin took his seat at the table as he placed his food tray in front of him. Herman sat directly across from him, staring blankly at his own food. Quentin had taken several bits of the tasteless meal before his curiosity finally got the best of him.

“You’re not eating,” he said, “What’s on your mind?”

“I’m sick of this, Quentin.”

“Sick of what?”

Before Schultz could answer a small carton of milk smashed into the top of the table, bursting open and spraying the milk all over Herman, Quentin, and their food. Herman growled and gritted his teeth as he could hear the perpetrator laughing. He glared at him. Quentin noticed the room’s guard was snickering too.

“Sick of THIS,” grumbled Herman quietly.

“Oops!” mocked the man who had thrown the milk, “Looks like I spilled some milk on the weirdo and the balless loser!*”

*A nickname he earned thanks to the events of [Jessica Jones: Bad Reputation](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20904953)

“You want to say that to my face!?” demanded Herman, standing up.

The man chuckled. Several of his buddies walked up behind him as he approached Herman and looked him right in the eyes. The man was tall, built like a tank, and boasted tattoos all across his body. As he stared down Herman, he could see the disgruntled former supervillain lose his conviction.

“Yeah,” whispered the enormous man as his buddies chuckled, “I do, balless loser.”

Herman strained to maintain his mettle, but broke eye contact when it became too much. He went to return to his food, but was prevented when one of the other convicts slammed his head down into his food with full strength. Quentin stood up and backed away as more people descended on Herman, pulling him away from the table and onto the ground where a beating commenced.

“Guard! Guard!” Quentin found himself yelling.

***

Quentin lay on his back, staring at the concrete ceiling of his cell. He found prison to be incredibly dull and preferred to spend as much time in his own mind as possible. His thoughts were usually occupied by ideas for grandiose light shows and fantasies of revenge against Spider-Man*. Today his thoughts were preoccupied with another matter.

*For the events of [Spider-Man: The Girl Next Door](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21017798)

“Okay Schultz,” said a guard as cell door opened, “Back in you go. Play nice next time, you hear?”

Quentin heard Herman grunt as the guards walked away snickering. Quentin sat up in bed and looked over. Herman’s face was a mess. His right cheek was swollen and he had a purple bruise under his left eye. His right eye was in far worse shape, swollen shut and covered in an enormous black bruise. Stitches held together small cuts along his face.

“You’re going to get us both killed, you know,” said Quentin.

“Shut up.”

“I could care less if you have a death wish, but if you keep this up they’ll come after me!”

“Maybe then you’ll stop being a coward and act like a man,” said Herman quietly.

“A coward!?!” stuttered Quentin in disbelief, “Fear is an evolutionary virtue, you simple minded fool! There is nothing noble about getting pummeled for no reason.”

“I’m just sick of it,” snarled Herman, “Sick of sitting here in this cage while everyone LAUGHS at me!”

“Well get used to it,” shrugged Quentin, “At this rate, I doubt they’ll let you off for good behavior.”

There was a crash. They both turned their heads as they heard a distant scream. Then another. Then several more. They looked at one another in confusion and then both rushed to the bars of their cell to see if they could get a better look. The screaming continued, but they couldn’t determine the source.

“You think it’s a riot?” asked Herman.

A guard screamed as his body flew past their cell and slammed into the concrete wall, falling limply onto the ground and groaning in agony. Several more followed shortly after him, each striking the wall and landing on the ground in a small pile. Herman and Quentin looked at one another again, this time in anticipation. Who in the world was doing this?

A woman walked up to their cell casually, hands behind her back. She was wearing goggles and a green harness adorned with some sort of tech. She had an absolute mess of tangled brown hair that piled on top of her head and stuck out in every direction. She shifted the goggles to her forehead and smiled at the two confidently.

“Herman Schultz. Quentin Beck,” she said, “Or should I say Shocker and Mysterio? It’s a pleasure to meet you both.”

“Listen, lady-” began Herman, but Quentin raised a hand to shut him up. Herman complied.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you as well,” said Quentin, “Ms….”

“Doctor,” she corrected, “Doctor Olivia Octavius.”

Four long, clear tentacles with claws on the end shot out from behind Olivia’s back, growing several yards long. They grabbed the door to the cell and ripped it from its hinges, tossing it aside. Herman grinned as he and Quentin stepped out of the cell.

***

“Nice place you got here, lady!” said Herman, looking around the enormous room.

“Herman!” hissed Quentin, “Show some respect! Doctor, I apologize for my colleague’s crassness. We are both eternally grateful for your help.”

The trio stood in the center of a large laboratory. Computers altered with all sorts of gadgets and devices lined every table and workbenches covered in tools were lined up neatly along one side of the room.

“No need for flattery, Mr. Beck,” said Olivia calmly, removing her goggles and replacing them with a simple pair of glasses, “I know precisely what kind of man Mr. Schultz is.”

“What’s that supposed to mean!?” demanded Herman.

“Herman!” whispered Quentin angrily.

“Listen here!” shouted Herman angrily, “I may not be a criminal mastermind or whatever, but I’m no one’s lackey! So you had better start treating me- GAK!”

Olivia’s tentacles had sprung from her back once again and raced to Herman, entangling his neck, each arm, and his legs as they lifted him into the air. Olivia casually looked him over as her tentacles tightened around him and brought him closer to her.

“I don’t have time for your pitiful attempts to reclaim your masculinity, Mr. Schultz,” she said calmly, “So you will either learn your place or donate your body to my dissection table. Your decision.”

Olivia’s tentacles continued to tighten. Herma’s arms and legs were being pulled outward as the tentacle coiled around his neck tightened more and more. Herman struggled for air as his face turned pink, then red, then purple, and finally blue before all four tentacles retracted completely and Herman was dropped onto the ground, coughing and gasping.

“Well, Mr. Schultz?” asked Olivia, approaching him and looking down at him, “What will it be?”

“Sorry for the outburst,” muttered Herman, rubbing his throat, “It won’t happen again.”

“Good,” she said, “Because I have something to show you both.”

Two of her tentacles sprung out again and extended to different parts of the lab. They each returned clutching a large metal trunk. She dropped one of them in front of each of her guests. The two looked at the trunks, then each other, and finally Olivia.

“Go ahead,” she said, “Open them.”

“Oh,” smiled Quentin as he opened his trunk, “Would you look at this?”

“Well, well, well,” chuckled Herman, “You’ve really outdone yourself, Doc!”

Both men removed the contents of their trunks. Each trunk contained a uniform with a harness similar to the one Olivia was wearing. Herman’s was mustard yellow and red, like his original suit, and even came with a thick red hood to pull over his eyes. Quentin’s was the same green as his old one as well and included the purple cape. Both costumes were outfitted with some sort of technology as well, with silver mechanics on Herman’s and gold ones on Quentin’s.

“Fantastic!” declared Quentin, “It is a truly worthy recreation. What purpose does it serve? Surely you didn’t spend all the making these simply for aesthetic?”

“Correct,” said Olivia, “I recommend you both put those on. I believe you’ll be quite satisfied with their capabilities.”

Herman and Quentin looked at one another. Capabilities? They both stripped their prison jumpsuits off, dressing down to their undershirts and boxers. They both slipped their new uniforms on, fastening the loose ends and flexing their limbs to get comfortable.

“Mr. Beck,” explained Olivia proudly, “You’ll find your uniform capable of lights, sounds, fog, and more. For anyone else, it’d be a mere party favor. But in your hands…”

Quentin clicked several buttons on his suit and turned a knob. Fog emerged from Quentin’s neck and tightened into a sphere wrapped around his face. An eerie light began to emit from the enigmatic cloud that was once Quentin’s head.

“In my hands it becomes the ultimate weapon of Mysterio!” he declared, his voice distorted by an echo effect, “Master of Illusion and Mystery!”

“And Mr. Schultz,” continued Olivia, turning to Herman, “I doubt I have to explain what _your_ suit does.”

Herman chuckled to himself as he slowly closed his fists and felt the vibration tech power up inside the suit. He turned and pointed his fists at a dumpster in the corner of the room. He felt a surge pulse through his body as the air in front of him seemed to distort and the dumpster burst apart, sending scrap metal everywhere.

“Haha! YES!” he cried, “Just you wait, Jessica Jones! When I get ahold of you, I’ll-”

“No,” interrupted Olivia curtly, “I won’t allow you to use my inventions for such a trivial task.”

“Indeed!” declared Mysterio, “Spider-Man is clearly the more important-”

“No,” repeated Olivia.

“No!?!” realized Mysterio angrily.

“Let me ask you a question,” said Olivia, “What do you THINK will happen if you confront your enemies directly?”

“Well first I’ll-” began Shocker.

“That was rhetorical,” continued Olivia, “What will happen is you will suffer a humiliating defeat. Like you always will.”

Shocker and Mysterio said nothing. Somewhere deep down they both heard the truth in Olivia’s point.

“You’re losers,” she said, “It’s what you do. If you want to succeed, you need to lower your standards.”

Shocker and Mysterio looked to one another and then looked back to Olivia.

“Then what do YOU suggest?” asked Mysterio.

Olivia grinned devilishly. Her tentacles slammed down onto the floor as she stood up on them like enormous legs, hanging casually from the harness on her back from which the machines were connected to her. She approached a giant monitor and clicked a button on the side. The monitor flickered on and displayed some sort of factory.

“What you see before you is one of the last independently owned electronics manufacturers in America,” she explained, “Ventura Manufacturing.”

“Never heard of it,” said Shocker.

“Exactly,” grinned Olivia, “It’s located in the tiny town of Blansville, Wisconsin. Small time police force, no nearby S.H.I.E.LD. presence, and most importantly: no superheroes.”

“What use is it to us?” asked Mysterio.

“I happen to be one of the greatest computer engineers of all time,” bragged Olivia, lowering herself back to the ground, “Give me a few hours with those materials and we’ll have control over one of the most powerful supercomputers in the world!”

“So?” asked Shocker impatiently.

“You imbecile!” shouted Mysterio, “Such a device would sell for millions!”

“And there will be no one to stop us,” finished Olivia quietly with a wide smile.

***

“Well,” scoffed Schocker, “That was easy.”

Olivia grew out her tentacles and began to climb about the empty factory looking at the various parts. The trio had taken over the factory in a matter of minutes. Shocker had blasted their way past security and Mysterio had trapped the staff in an illusion that prevented them from calling for help.

“Now what?” asked Mysterio.

“Now I need a few hours to work with these parts,” said Olivia, not looking back at either of them as she continued to inspect the factory, “I should have the computer ready by sundown. Then we can leave before anyone knows we were here.”

“What do we do until then?” asked Shocker.

“I don’t know,” sighed Olivia irritably, “Go look menacing or whatever it is henchmen do when they’re no longer useful.”

Shocker grumbled but said nothing, having learned his lesson last time. Mysterio looked to him and shrugged, dissipating the fog around his head. The two both walked off on their own to look about the factory. About an hour went by as they both searched for ways to entertain themselves. Mysterio began looking at some of the electronic parts. Shocker wandered the catwalks high above the main floor until he saw something out a window near the ceiling.

A single barren branch from a tree extended out in front of the window. A squirrel scampered along it, reaching the end and sitting up to look around. It made eye contact with Shocker.

“Heh,” chuckled Shocker, “Hey Quentin! Check this out!”

“Hm?” responded Mysterio, looking up from below on the ground floor.

Shocker tightened his fists, building up the vibration energy and thrust his arms forward. The squirrel screeched and leapt away as vibration shattered the glass of the window and blew away the tree branch.

“Damn!” cursed Shocker, “Missed.”

“What on Earth were you doing?” asked Mysterio.

“I was trying to hit a squirrel.”

Mysterio just stared back up at him. Shocker stared back down, then at the broken window, then back at Mysterio again.

“It seemed funny at the time,” shrugged Shocker.

“What are you idiots doing?” called out Olivia.

“Nothing!” shouted back both Mysterio and Shocker.

More time passed. Olivia continued working as Mysterio paced and Shocker napped. Bored with napping, Shocker began to explore the catwalks again. When he returned to where he had blown out the window, he saw that the squirrel was back. Now it was sitting on the edge of the shattered window, staring at him.

“What the…” wondered Shocker aloud.

Suddenly someone landed on him from above. They pulled his hood down over his face before he could turn around, so by the time Shocker could see again they had leapt away. He looked around the room in a panic before leaning over the railing to yell out.

“Hey!” he shouted, “I think someone is in here!”

“Where are they!?” demanded Mysterio as he ran into the room, activating the fog around his face, “What do they look like?”

“I don’t know! I didn’t get a good look!” shouted Shocker.

“Well then how do you even kno-”

“THERE SHE IS!”

At Mysterio’s feet a woman crouched on all fours. Her large brown fluffy tail flicked back and forth. She wore a set of squirrel ears over her short orange hair, dark gray spandex over a stocky body, brown trunks, and a brown vest. She slammed the door next to Mysterio shut, closing it on his cape. Shocker had already charged up his gauntlets to hit the squirrel woman, but she leapt away the second before he fired.

“Herman, wait!” cried out Mysterio, tugging at his cape, “I can’t get away! Don’t-”

An explosive impact dented the metal tiles on the floor as it pounded Mysterio’s body into them. Sparks emitted from all over his body as his costume sputtered and flashed. He groaned as the fog around his head dissipated.

“My bad,” apologized Herman.

“Nice try!” chirped the woman as she leapt back up to the catwalk.

“What the hell are you supposed to be?”

“I’m Squirrel Girl!” she declared, proudly puffing out her chest and placing her fists on her hips.

“...what?”

“Squirrel Girl!” she repeated, “The super cool hero of Blansville! You see, a friend of mine told me about you guys. Said one of you tried to blast him out of his favorite tree and if you ask me: That’s. Pretty. RUDE!”

“I refuse to believe this is happening,” grunted Shocker.

“I thought the doctor said there would be no superheroes here!” shouted Mysterio, slowly rising to his feet.

“I did,” said Olivia, swooping into the room as she climbed in on her tentacles, “She’s no hero I’ve heard of.”

“Oh, come on!” whined Squirrel Girl, “The local news does a story on me like once a month!”

“Don’t tell me _she’s_ giving you trouble,” sighed Olivia.

“Not for long!” growled Shocker firing his vibration weapon at Squirrel Girl again.

Squirrel Girl leapt away as the entire catwalk began to vibrate and creak. Shocker realized his mistake too late. Part of the catwalk began to fall away and take him screaming down with it. He bounced off of a large crane and landed roughly in a pile of cardboard boxes. Several segments from the catwalk tumbled down on top of him. Most bounced off the crane and away from him, but one of the dislocated railings flew down at high speeds and hit him hard between the legs.

“Why!?” he screamed in agony, “Why me!?”

He passed out.

“Idiot,” whispered Olivia.

“Let’s see how you fair against my illusions, Squirrel Girl!” declared Mysterio, turning a knob on his costume.

Sparks burst out of his costume again as the whole thing malfunction. The damage from Shocker’s attack had taken its toll. Internal messages became completely crossed and the next thing Mysterio knew his own intoxication gas was was blasting into his face instead of the fog. He stumbled to the side as the effects took place.

“Who… wants to see…” he slurred, “My illusions? I... want to see my illusions…”

Squirrel Girl leapt at Mysterio’s chest and rebounded backwards off of it, sending Mysterio careening back into the ground and knocking him out. Squirrel Girl pivoted as Olivia descended upon her. Olivia’s tentacles swung her around the factory like a chimp amid vines. The spry heroine retreated at a similar pace, leaping from machine to machine with the agility of a squirrel in the trees.

“You’re not going to stop my plans!” cried Olivia, “You’re just some nobody!”

“Yeah, well you’re a jerk with bad hair!”

The two continued their chase in the metallic jungle of the factory, finally reaching the remains of the catwalk on the segment that Shocker hadn’t blown apart. The two faced one another, staring each other down. Olivia made the first move, attacking with all four of her tentacles. Squirrel Girl dodged all four and ran under them, between Olivia’s legs, and leapt up onto her back.

“What are you doing!?!” demanded Olivia.

Squirrel Girl grabbed ahold of one of the tentacles with both hands and bit down on it with all her strength. Her teeth effortlessly pierced the malleable metal of the tentacles. She jerked her head back and tore the tentacle off completely.

“No!” shouted Olivia in defiance, but it was too late. 

Within seconds Squirrel Girl had gnawed through all four tentacles, leaving Olivia attached to just a small metal pack.

“You can’t do this to me!” Olivia yelled.

Squirrel Girl climbed up onto Olivia’s shoulders and wrapped her legs around the doctor’s neck. Then she stuck one finger from each hand into her mouth and dive bombed both of Olivia’s ears with wet willies. Olivia squealed and squirmed in place as Squirrel Girl leapt off of her and between her legs to get behind her again.

“I won’t stand for this indignity!” Olivia cried out, “I’m the world’s premiere computer engineer! I have seven doctorates!”

“NERD!” shouted Squirrel Girl.

To illustrate her point, Squirrel Girl reached into the back of Olivia’s pants, grabbed the fabric underneath, and yanked it as high as she could. Squirrel Girl was as satisfied by Olivia’s high pitched scream as she was by the bright pink color of Oliva’s oversized undies. Squirrel Girl released her grip and the elastic snapped back as she ran away.

“Oooh,” groaned Olivia quietly, “I HATE wedgies…”

“Surrender now, evil lady!” ordered Squirrel Girl, “Because honestly this is getting pretty sad for you. You might as well call it quits now and save face.”

“Never!” refused Olivia, “You may have stopped me, but I’ll be back!”

Oliva laughed maniacally as she turned and walked right off the side of the catwalk. Squirrel Girl stared blankly. Olivia realized the hard way that she had forgotten the loss of her tentacles. With nothing to catch her, she began a sharp drop down toward the first floor of the factory. But the baggy stretched out waistband of her underwear snagged onto the edge of the catwalk just as she fell.

_Riiiiiiiiip!_

“Hooooooooooooooo!” shrieked Olivia, her fall halted by cotton digging into her with all the force of her body weight.

“Oof,” chuckled Squirrel Girl, “That’s gotta hurt!”

“I… can taste… cotton…” uttered Olivia weakly as she dangled there, “...in the back of my throat.”

“I’ve gotta get going,” said Squirrel Girl, “but I’ll tell the cops to come get ya so you’re not hanging there too long.”

It still took almost a half hour before the police arrived, during which time Olivia dangled there by her own underpants and stared at her lackeys’ unconscious bodies. All she could do was contemplate how she had been completely outdone and humiliated by some weirdo no one had even heard of. The sense of humiliation only got worse when the police arrived and found her in the epic wedgie and had to come up and cut her down. She had never felt so completely defeated.

***

“Hello?” called out Olivia, “Anyone there?”

The room was illuminated by a single light over the silver table. Olivia stared at her own reflection in the mirror that encompassed the wall across from her, knowing someone watched and listened from the other side.

“I’ve already suffered the indignity of receiving a nuclear wedgie from Squirrel Girl,” she sighed, “You could at least spare me the indignity of spending all day in here waiting for you.”

That’s when someone came in.

“Maria Hill?” said Olivia in disbelief.

It was indeed S.H.I.E.L.D.’s Secretary of Intelligence, Maria Hill. The stern looking woman wore the same standard issue S.H.I.E.L.D. uniform as a field agent, but it was unmistakably her. She her muscles were toned and her every move delierate. She wore her hair in an extremely short cut. Olivia was so surprised to see such a high ranking officer that she hardly noticed the laptop that Hill was carrying until she placed it right in front of her.

“What’s this?” asked Olivia.

“Encrypted is what it is,” said Hill plainly, “We need you to change that.”

“Don’t you have your own people for that?”

“We thought you might have a better shot at it, given its nature.”

Curious, Olivia opened the laptop. It appeared to be a standard issue model, though it had the S.H.I.E.L.D. logo printed on it. She worked her way to the encryption in question. Her eyes widened. She readjusted her glasses to make sure she was seeing this correctly.

“I’d recognize Rappaccini’s work anywhere,” said Olivia slowly, “but what’s an encryption designed by Advanced Ideas Mechanics doing on a S.H.I.E.L.D. laptop?”

“One way to find out,” suggested Hill, nudging the laptop closer to Olivia.

**Author's Note:**

> Strong Saturday morning cartoon energy


End file.
